October 23, 2012

33 weeks and counting

Little Kittel's due date is Dec. 9.  That still sounds far away, doesn't it?  We haven't even had Halloween or Thanksgiving yet, so Dec. 9 is forever away, right?  

Not really.  We are at week 33, which means if Little Kittel comes right on schedule we only have SEVEN weeks to go!


There is a big mix of excitement and gravity in this realization.  

Certainly we are excited.  We've wondered what she will look like (we're betting on blue eyes after her mama and daddy), and how she will behave. What will she sound like?  I think about how good of a daddy Todd will be and how sweet he'll look holding her.  I imagine all the fun family things we'll do together and the girl things just she and I will do.  

Then there's a reality check where I know having a baby won't be all smiles and sweet coos.  When I think of all the responsibility and all the things we don't know I start to feel overwhelmed.  

How do we know what we're doing?  How tired will we truly be?  What is breastfeeding really like and how do you do it?  How do we know what she's crying about?  Is she too hot?  Too cold?  How do we know if something's wrong - like if she isn't feeling well?  What do we do about it? 

Now, I've got a lot of experience babysitting kids of all ages, which I think has helped me feel comfortable around children, but I'm guessing no matter how many babysitting hours I've logged I'm not truly prepared for having my own kid.  

Most upsetting to me lately is that for everything I imagine our life to soon be, I feel like that's what it is: imaginary.  

Me having a baby seems very, very surreal.  No matter how many baby clothes I wash and fold, or how many times I go through all the gear we've now got, I sometimes can not get my head around it even as I'm about to cross the finish line.  It's not that I didn't want a baby because I did - very badly, in fact.  But going from that desire to start a family to actually starting one is a big reality pill to swallow.  

I've worried that this surreal feeling is keeping me from connecting with Little Kittel like I should.  However, several girlfriends have told me the feeling is normal and I've got nothing to worry about.  They would look at their baby after it was born and wonder when its real mom was coming to pick him or her up!  

These seven weeks (if she doesn't come early) are filled with holidays and events and are going to go quickly, I know.  Before we know it she'll be here!  

I can't believe it.  

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